And the winners are ...

If you like me surf television channels at 9 looking for entertainment, you would no doubt be exasperated with the various debates which all news channel purport in the name of news. You find various people irritating the hell out of you. What we lack however is a proper scale to measure the nonsense spewed by each of these people. This is where the irritant scale developed by me comes in. After a scientific method I have ranked the top 5 irritants on TV at 9 along with their rating on the irritant scale

Arnab Goswami - The most common refrain heard on the Newshour debate is "Mr Goswami , please let me complete." You may be a member of the opposition, the ruling party, a journalist or a common man or even God himself, Arnab WILL interrupt you while you are speaking. He will also punctuate his sentences with a very emphatic Aaah very much like the prophet looking down on his poor subjects. Arnab  single-handedly is judge jury executioner, prosecution for the defence and the public prosecutor all rolled in one. In any debate, you would be hard pressed to figure out which side Arnab belongs to. He will oppose you no matter what your point is. To punctuate his defence, he showcases all his mindless arguments with "the people need to know....the people will not wait....country wants to know....the country will not wait." Keeping his opposition to anything and everything in mind, there is currently a bill pending in parliament to rename the opposition benches as the Stand of Arnab. Ladies and Gentlemen with a rating of 4.85 on 5 of I give you # 5

Derek O'Brien - They say politics makes strange bedfellows. Well actually in case of Mr O'Brien, politics makes strange fellows. A long time ago, Mr O'Brien was a very good quiz master. He would come on TV once a week, ask some questions to which he knew the answers and generally helped us enjoy a good Sunday brunch with his pleasant demeanour. Today Mr O'Brien comes on television in his alter avatar of TMC spokesperson and continues to huff puff and chaff on television every single day with amazing alacrity. He is opposed to the capitalist policies of the centre completely ignoring the fact that his state following socialist policies is possibly the most bankrupt state in India today. He will oppose any form of price rise - be it the rise of railway fares , food products , electricity , diesel petrol etc. no matter how economically justified they may be. This is perhaps the reason why the curtain of insanity does not rise from his eyes. Presenting #4 with a rating of 4.87

Renuka Chowdhury - Anyone who sees Renuka Chowdhury performing in front of the TV cameras would agree that she would have graduated with honours from any school of performing arts. Her biggest and most intelligent contribution to any debate is rolling her eyes and nodding her head from side to side irrespective of the fact that she is trying to defend the impossible. I have seen debates where she has countered Indias most noted economists with a very intelligent "No no no no .. this is not right" or an equally well thought of "Ha Ha Ha". Besides her diploma in making faces, Ms Chowdhury has also received a doctorate in the art of being completely clueless in every known topic under the sun. I would love to try and argue against some of the comments made by her but after racking my brains, I have realized that Ms Chowdhury has made no comment whatsoever. The only thing that I can recall is her saying "You must look at what the government is doing" To that my dear lady my response is "Please wake up and smell the reality". At #3 still Clueless with a rating of 4.98

Manish Tiwari - Manish Tiwari is a modest self assuming man. There .. Admit it you laughed. It is impossible to even imagine any part of Manish being anything less then pompousness personified. If we were ever able to convert bullshit into fuel, Manish Tiwari would end up single handedly supplying enough raw material to take care of the worlds needs. One wishes that Manish's command over English was matched by his command over facts. You may think diamond is strong. You may also think titanium is strong but they pale in front of the strongest material known to man -Manish-skin-atium. Any accuatsion no matter how truthful it is will bounce of it. At least once the congress loses in 2014 , Manish will not have to worry about an alternate occupation. I understand Cameron Balloons of Bristol (the worlds largest hot air balloon manufacturer) is looking to hire Manish as the only non mechanic hot air balloon blower. At last count there was a belief he could blow one every five minutes. Runner up with a rating of 5 on 5

Digvijay Singh - One would feel that this competition would have a lot of people running neck to neck, However it is a sign of your greatness when you leave the competition miles behind. Digvijay Singh remains the undisputed number 1. He is the Sergey Bubka of the world of insanity. His only competition is himself and every time you think he cannot do better, he finds a way to top the last absurd comment he made. One has to admire Digvijay Singh for the unflinching expression on his face irrespective of the fact that he is speaking monkey crap of the highest order. Sample this - He believes that the person who has allowed Mr Vadras file to go through at breakneck speed should be given a medal for the efficiency. . I understand the makers of HMV (His Masters voice) records are now looking to replace the dog and the gramophone with a photograph of Digvijay Singh as he epitomizes exactly that feeling. With a rating of 10 on 5, the undisputed King of the irritants

The 'Just Married, Please Excuse' Contest

A good friend of mine has written  a really great book. To promote the book, there is a contest going on which has really great prizes (FREE FOOD FREE FOOD :-)) .  I shall be unabashedly upfront and say that the free dinner is one thing that has prompted me to write this entry.  I have always said free food is normally my only driver :-)

For the uninitiated , you can read about the contest here . Nonetheless here is my go at a chance for the free food (oh notice a recurring theme here)



A man getting ready for marriage receives free "gyan" from various sources. Unfortunately most of these sources concentrate on the spiritual aspect and do not keep either party informed of more practical challenges around marriage. We were in our 2nd month of marriage when my wife thought it was time to go shopping. I don't know if women have an idea of how men shop but for the uninitiated let me give a brief synopsis of our well known  scientific methods

We go to x y z Shop
We look for a shirt in our size.
We buy the shirt which looks nice while we hold it completely folded and packed
We pay the money
We leave the shop

Typically the shirt would either be blue or white in colour. On a particularly adventurous day , we may even chose a light cream colour but that is the extent of our tryst with coloured shirts. The entire activity including going to the shop and getting back would be completed within half an hour. In the event the shirt we buy does not fit , we relegate it to one of the shelves of our cupboards and don't refer to it again



 I don't know if you have been to a Delhi mall on a weekend but if you have not been I have two words for you "Lucky you". It just seems as if the world , their second cousin and the second cousins aunt have descended on to the mall. My suggestion to E that we go to the mall at 11 AM was met with complete and utter disdain. The look that i got seemed to indicate who goes to a mall in the morning when it is empty. The correct answer to that would have been "uhmmm... men" . However there is a time and a place for every answer and it was clear to me that that was certainly neither the place nor the time for that answer.

The first impression i got that things would not be as per plan was when E responded to my comment about which shop with a haphazard lets see.  We walked into a westside and E started looking for stuff. There is something remarkably embarrassing about a guy walking in the women's section specially when he is not accompanied by his wife. Unfortunately this was one of those large department stores which have the entire floor devoted to women's clothing and thus there was no escape. The other thing that i learned was that men get embarrassed a lot easier than women. I was standing outside the waiting room where it was written very clearly only two garments per person. However that did not stop E from carrying 6 in her hand . When she was stopped by the lady at the waiting room. To manage this situation , she dumped 4 garments in my hand and asked me to wait near the dressing room. As I stood nervously shuffling my feet outside the trial room , I am sure most of the women passing by me were thinking pervert.

As E came out the first question was "How does it look" . Once again for the women reading this post , let me explain the psychology of the man. For us the word nice covers the entire gamut of emotions we men use to convey something we like . This is not a half hearted response . This is also not the inability to take a stance. My rant here pretty much covers how E reacted to my nice. The next time she came out , I decided to appear a lot more enthusiastic and said "Wow , Amazing". This was of course met with a "uhmm , i don't like it" .. Arre Bhai if u do not like it , then why did you wear it and come out. Kindly understand our small man brain is unable to process multiple threads of information in one go.

Roughly 3 and a half hours later E left the store with 1 cushion cover and 1 photo frame. Going forward E and I have decided that shopping shall be done individually. She normally goes with her sis while I uhmmm .. Oh yeah i don't shop a lot. The activity of buying the shirt has been delegated to her. As an Aside my wardrobe definitely has some more colour.

The A - Z of Television

I was surfing TV the other day when I realized that even an avid tv watcher like me was unable to find something worth watching. This despite the 100 channels that my local cable provder promised me as the A - Z of entertainment. I dont know about entertainment but I did get down to writing my own A - Z of current television watching

A is for Anandi , the extremely irritating girl who got replaced by an even more irritating girl in the most irritating serial of all times


B is for Bindaas or as they call it India's no 1 youth channel. Ya sure if all the youth care about is horrible shows which are so obviously scripted the only qualification criteria is a negative IQ

C is for CID , Indias longest running crime show where every case is solved in 50 mins . The only one they have not managed to solve is why after 15 years of making funny faces has ACP Pradyuman not been promoted


D is for Dadagiri a show that is anchored by a dude who refers to himself as Vishal the Beast. If that itself was not enough,the show also features men and women who lack everything from intelligence to charisma to looks competing against each other in inane tasks


E is for Ektaa Kapoor, the lady responsible for 80 % of the nonsense in the name of daily soaps that is served nowadays


F is for Family, the large parivar that TV channel depicts. Typically consists of 1 old and oppressed grandfather , one strict mother in law who may or may not have been reincarnated , a sweet and suffering daughter in law , a wuss husband , two irritating children and a very vampish sister in in law


G is for Gaana Bajaana a thing that music channels have ignored for really horrid reality shows


H is for HD, the newest way to watch really crappy tv - Very clear , Very loud and Very Very Very Boring


I is for India TV, Indias most enterntaining fiction channel ever. I strongly recommend it to all the sceptics that dont believe the reason for the dwindling cow population today is linked to spaceships beaming these creatures into their deep caverns

J is for Joy , a thing that you do not see when you watch TV today

K is for Koffee with Karan , interesting for the first two seasons but an epic fail in season 3

L is for Lwhich is passing you by as you stare into the nothingness of the tv

M is for Mother India or the suffering Matriarch of every family

N is for Numbness or what your brain feels after watching 10 mins of TV

O is for Oppressed as in all the poor people in the tv shows about child marriage , female feticide etc - basically anyone on TV between 9 and 10 at night

P is for Punar Janam or something a show called "Raaz pichle Janam ke" woud have you believe exists. Apparently you lie down on a table and start remembering that in your last life you were a thakur while ready extras come and enact this piece for the audience on tv

Q is for Quit watching this crap

R is for Roadies a show where you take the most absurdly wierd youngsters you can find an let them fight with each other while two bald french bearded men shout their lungs out

S is for Svayamwar or more particularly Rakhee ka Svayamwar a show that among other absurd things tried to project Rakhee Sawant as a demure and coy lady

T is for Teri Maa%^&#*((*&(*((&& Words that you hear on every channel today. The more the words , the better the TRP

U is for Underwear or more specifically the code word for watching FTV after 1 AM at night

V is for Channel V a channel that is so confused about its identity that it spends all its time pretending to be something that it is not i.e. entertaining

X is for (e)X movie stars who now find it necessary to come onto TV to earn a living

Y is for Yenna Rascala , words that would be uttered every time you surf the television and end up on a channel from the South of India

Z is for ZZZZZ or what you would rather do instead of watching this crap

Scenes and then again that scene

In my last post , I had mentioned some of the scenes which I thought everyone should see. However in my eagerness to put pen to paper , I think I have missed out possibly one of the greatest scenes ever. While flicking through channels , I had caught an old classic favourite of mine on TV the other day. After watching the movie, both me and my wife had agreed that if there was ever a scene which needed to be added to the list it was this one. The name of the movie was CLERK and it had an ensemble cast - Rekha , Shashi Kapoor , Prem Chopra and of course the writer and director of the greatest scene ever - Manoj Kumar.
Clerk will probably go down in the annals of Indian film history as the greatest comedy ever. That it was intended as a satirical discourse on the state of government clerks is a fact that has not dawned onto anyone till now. Moreover having witnessed the first hand reaction of several people watching this movie , I would have to say that it will continue to remain one of the worlds best kept secrets.
Manoj Kumar plays an honest clerk called Bharat in the movie who lives in dire straits. His father ably played by Ashok Kumar an ex member of the Indian National Army is suffering from a heart attack and this morbid unsettling environment leads possibly the greatest miracle ever. It also ends up putting in jeopardy the profession of cardiologists the world over into extinction. As expected ,the greedy doctor refuses to visit the house of the poor clerk whereupon Manoj Kumar says "Inka ilaaj mere paas hai " While you wonder that perhaps the clerk doubles up as a heart surgeon at night , the young and energetic Bhartat pulls out two batteries from his pocket. He also says that main battery ke cell (pronounced shell) le ke aaya hoon. If that is not enough while his father is writhing painfull on the bed , MK proceeds to insert the cell into a cassette player and it starts playing kadam kadam badha ke chal. Slowly but surely Ashok Kumar starts moving his hands and legs to the beat of the song. He then proceeds to sit straight up on his bed while stomping his feet on the floor as if he is practicing for the parade in front of the prime minister . If that was not enough he punctuates the marching steps with beating his heart (yes the very one that was gasping about 30 seconds ago) with his fist. While you sit watching the resurrection open mouthed , our now recovered INA soldier proceeds to walk without support to the cassette player and stops it proudly proclaiming "Ab maing Gaoonga". If that was not enough we are treated to 5 Ashok Kumars ( why why why ?) all breaking into an open throated rendition of the same song.
Now I was not very good in biology ever but even I think this is just taking things a bit too far. I mean music being a soother is one thing but music becoming the one thing that converts people lying half dead into chest thumping ,happy go lucky singers is just another.
For those of you who have missed this scene, fear not. I am attaching the link to the video below.
Clerk - Modern Cinema's Second greatest Movie
PS - If you have not seen this movie , it is my sincere advice to catch it.
PPS - Gunda is still the greatest movie ever.

Of Scenes and Movies - Part I

Well I just saw this program on TV which mentioned the top ten scenes which one must see. Of course that got me thinking. Most people would have seen these nice scenes. What we need is a list of scenes which most people have not seen till now but should see. Of course given my ability to watch anything and I do mean anything on TV , I have decided to share my immense knowledge in this field. So without further ado , here is the list of scenes which you definitely have not seen and the reasons why you should see them
Super honourable mention - Gunda - I know i mentioned scenes but it is hard to pick a single scene from this classic. The most apt description of the movie i have heard is that there are only two type of people in this world- those who have seen Gunda and those who will see Gunda. The movie is the Indian adaptation of Kill Bill with possibly the most mesmerising cast of villains ever. Given that there are so many villains , the director ensures that you do not forget any of the characters. The villains proceed to give introductory sentences with which rhyme with the contemporary and well thought out names. Sample the well written dialogues
Lambu Atta – “Deta hoon maut ka chaanta”
Bulla – “Sab karta hoon khullam khulla”
Pote – “Jo apne baap ke bhi nahi hote”
Ibu Hatela – “Maa meri chudail ki beti, Baap shaitan ka chela, Kyon? Khaayega Kela?”
Every scene and I really mean every scene is an instant classic. After killing Bulla and thus bringing an end to the greatest movie ever made , Mithun says "Tera naam hai Bulla. Maut ke baad bhi reh jaayega tera mooh khulla. Yaaeeeessh". I am sure most people think I am exaggerating. Fear not - Some great people have loaded the entire movie on the web . Take a look and believe me , you will not regret it.
Gunda

Singing Superheroes - Currently superheroes are the in thing. With Drona (which I hope will contribute greatly to many such similar posts in the future), I hear people talking about how finally in India the superhero craze has started. Well I would like to inform people that there were many forward looking and intelligent directors in India who had understood the popularity of this genre long ago. In the late eighties / early nineties came a movie that has changed the way people the world over view superheroes. The movie in case would be a social family drama called Dariya Dil . Most of you would be wondering where superheroes would be figuring in a family drama but then this is why we watch hindi movies. The director well aware of the soaring popularity of superheroes has put in a song where the hero and heroine for no reason whatsoever decide to don super hero outfits and start dancing on an imaginary glass plate conviniently fitted in the sky. I kid you not. The song begins with spectacular special effects where Govinda and Kimi Katkar dressed as Superman and Spiderwoman seem to be lying flat in the sky (yes i wrote in the sky) and the city of Mumbai keeps revolving around them What I would also like to mention is the directors attention to detail. I don't think there is a super heroine who dons Spiderman's outfit without the mask and thus while Kimi proudly croons "Tu mera Superman" , all poor Govinda can say is "Tu meri Mary". Of course that does get me thinking -why Mary - Why not Lois ? or Lana ? or something else for Christs sake...
Superman Mania

Animal Lover - This scene is one of my favourite ones. I remember someone sending it to me in office and I almost fell off my chair due to the sheer greatness of the scene. The scene begins with an amazing sequence where a cheetah is chasing a deer. However just when u think that the deer will be dead meat (literally) , you see a portly young(?) man entering the frame. The PYM then proceeds to overtake the cheetah , pick up the deer and run out of the frame and no I am not exaggarating. The scene unfolds in front of your eyes in just the manner described above.
Save the animals

The man who defied power - Captain Vijaykanth (of above PYM Fame) - Electricity - Shock -Narasimha -Nuff said .....
Mr. Power
Well i hope you enjoyed these scenes. I do have some more which I will post in a subsequent post. Do drop in comments in case you liked this.

Wedding Season Part 1

I had attended a wedding of a friend of mine in Delhi recently. It bought back good memories of all the Punju weddings which I had attended over the last 29 (ye gods I am old) years. In fact about two years ago , I had written this small series on Punju weddings which I am putting down here.

** Disclaimer - I am Punju myself and I love all things Punjabi. This is just a humorous version and no offence is meant to any community ( I am writing this because there was a person from Canada who had actually threatened griveous harm to me when he had read another version of this).

So without Further ado...

Most punju weddings start with one of these song and dance functions which is imaginatively tilted THE SANGEET. This is the best opportunity for failed actors and dancers to make their presence felt. Shakespeare once said all the world’s a stage but I don't think he had ever realised that people at Punju weddings would take his words this literally.
Major actors present are a bua who has deemed it fit that she will anchor the proceedings with her amazingly sweet voice (that her voice sounds like the mating call of frogs will of course never dawn on her); Another maami(aka aunty sumo wrestler) who has decided that her aim in life is to drag unsuspecting poor people from the crowd and force them to dance and finally aunty drum beater( who will henceforth be referred to as aunty tribal dance for obvious reasons) . There is also another character kown as the spoon beater (unique to punju weddings) whose only job is to hit the dholak with a spoon. Coincidentally this person is tone deaf so what one does get to hear is clang clang without any semblance of a beat whatsoever.
Funnily enough the dancers are divided into 2 lots the aunties and the uncles. The aunties are most eager to dance but the uncles somehow feel more inclined to spend some time with Mr. Johnny Walker. So we have to endure the half hour where the females try to get the males close to the stage so that the function can start.The main idea of the function is to dance at the joyous occasion.
Of course before the dancing we are treated to a fantastic bit of acting by the dude/aunty in question where they say that "no no I don’t wanna dance …. Not me ,,, I cant dance" ( when it is more than apparent that the only thing which they want to do at that time is dance ). Once on stage most people seem to beleive that it is their screen test for the Oscars and they make sure that they put in the performance of a lifetime. Once the person in question comes on stage then his / her ownly aim is to show the audience aerobics, javelin throwing and frisbee catching all in one.
The songs, which are chosen at these occassions, are also keeping in tune with the solemn and sombre occasion. How can I forget the dude who decided to dance to the song "tu cheez badi hai mast mast" to tell his to be wife how mcuh he liked her. Other songs which I have heard are baazigar main baazigar (please please tell me the need for this song) mumbhai (duh ) kallu mama …. Man I can go on and on. Oh yes we will also have the mandatory daler mahendi song where everyone will be forced on to stage and be asked to shake a leg. For this song you will be dragged on stage in all probability by a drunk dude whom yu have never ever met after he will tell yu "bete mere nal tohnoo nachni hi hoga" and then he will proceed to show yu fine karate kicks where he will knock at least 6 people of the stage.
Oh yes the person who has said that females are the weaker sex has obviously not attended punju weddings. Aunty sumo wrestler would probably scare Mike Tyson, Aunty tribal dance would give any marathon runner competiton for pure stamina and endurance and one just has to see the other assorted aunties performing the twist (incidentally to a song like rang barse) to know that the meek will never ever inherit the world.

The man and the ATM

I was standing in the line for the ATM machine over the weekend. Manav's first corollary on the working of ATM machines was working in full flow. "If at any time an ATM vestibule has n machines n-1 of them will non operational." In this particular case the vestibule had 2 machines one of which was non operational. "

There were about ten people who had queued up behind the single operating machine. However within a minute I was blessed with an appearance of an individual who i will now refer to as the Supreme One. Dressed in denim jacket and jeans with sunglasses over his head, ,He looks around the vestibule with a condescending look and absorbs the scene. He then proceeds to the non working machine and puts his card in. After typing his pin he is shocked that the machine spews an error message. He then wildly looks around at the ten of us and proceeds sheepishly to the back of the line.

As I am not one of the people who possess the inner eye i can just gauge what he could have thought on the basis of his actions. As he walked in , he would have spotted an empty ATM machine and ten people standing behind another one. He then would have reasoned as he was the only one in the world who had been blessed with common sense, it is possible that not even one of the people in the line has managed to spot the empty machine. Offering a silent thank you to God for being the chosen one he would have proceeded to make his way to the empty machine. Of course the rest as they say is history.

On the off chance that this supreme being is reading this blog , I would like to congratulate that person as he has been given the Manav award for being the chosen one. It is good to know that such people do exist and give the rest of us a purpose for existence